Who Made This Mess?

Dear Mayor of Seattle (whoever you are, I’d look it up, but to be honest, I don’t want to),

I am not going to start out with any polite openings or political statements. There will be no sugar coating, pillow fluffing or boo-boo kissing. I’m going to rip the band aid off. This letter will go on to explain why I think driving in your city just plain sucks!

I am not sure who designed the layout of your one way, unlabeled, criss crossing, narrow streets. But whoever he was, is/was dumber than a rock. In my opinion Seattle should be completely demoslished (a satisfying explosion will do), steam rolled and re-designed. I have lived in cities surrounding Seattle for the last 20 years (before I could even drive) and have better luck maneuvering cities that I have never visited before, than I do Seattle.

Everytime I come to your crappily laid out city, I get lost. I’m not driving blind either. This includes map in hand and directions! How is one supposed to turn onto 5th Avenue when there is no sign stating 5th Avenue? Are you trying to save money by not labeling the streets on every corner? Or perhaps this is some conspiracy? Get people lost, they will need to stop for gas, therefore contributing to the income of your city? Thanks, but I’ll go back to the East Side and pay an extra buck a gallon for gas there. At least I’ll be able to find a gas station.

Not only are your streets not marked, they are narrow. Narrow, one way and four lanes wide. My mini-van lacks the finesse it takes to drive the streets of Seattle without hoarding 1.25 lanes. I’m pretty sure the honking I’m hearing is not directed at my “Honk if You Love Seattle” bumper sticker. The nicest thing I can say about the traffic lanes? Four linebackers could run up them side by side and not bump into each other. Four line backers that aren’t drunk that is.

Let us now bask in the glory of your freeway on ramps. I have lost count of the on ramps I have found by being lost in Seattle. On ramps that were unmarked (imagine that). My favorite one being the time I was driving downhill (hills in Seattle? No way!), get halfway through an intersection and see a right turn (hidden from the rest of the world by magical bushes) that drops down into some unseen street. But yet it still looked promising, and there was no one in the lane next to me so I yanked the car in that direction. This on ramp seriously looked like an entrance into the vehicle secret garden. At the time I was too glad to be on the freeway to care how spooky it actually looked.

And what, may I ask, is the point of the one way streets? If I wanted an adventure, I’d turn on my nintendo and pop in a game. Not drive to Seattle. A person has to go two blocks out of their way to go around the corner! Again, is there a gas conspiracy I missed the memo on?
It’s no wonder you’re pleasant residents are so in love with their car horns. Your residents communicate with each other using their horns more than their cell phones. I imagine their mechanics are very pleased with that extra little bit of residual income from horn replacements. But who can blame them. If I lived in a city with streets that had the characteristics yours do, I’d be enjoying conversing with my horn too. Beep. Beep.

My last concern is your parking. Or lack of it. Apparently you do not have enough citizens crammed (beep. beep.)onto your 4 lane, narrow, one way streets, you need to build more buildings in place of where parkings lots existed. So not only does one get lost when braving an adventure into your city. One cannot find a spot to park to text nasty messages to her husband, who is in a meeting trying not to get the giggles over the situation, declaring her frustration and exclaiming that Seattle needs a makeover.

In conclusion, I think you can see now why I detest having to make a trip into your blurgeoning city. I understand that you probably have a fancy driver who takes you where ever you want to go. If that is the case, get out of the back seat and drive. After you are frustrated, lost and practically in tears. Give your driver a raise. Then buy some heavy duty explosives. I’m going to go see what I can do about getting all the extra exhaust I was forced to suck in on my most recent trip removed from my body.

Sincerely,
Frustrated, Never will be a Seattle Citizen.

P.S. The Grid System. It’s a good thing!